Last on MOTD: Agony corner

Dear Mike,

I have a problem. I’m a big fan of Arsenal. (That’s not the problem, by the way.) A few days ago, I did a Gunners podcast and made a few comments about Liverpool not playing on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. All of a sudden, I’m Public Enemy No.1 and sales of QI and Jonathan Creek DVDs on Merseyside have gone through the floor. I’ve tried to say sorry by making a donation to the Hillsborough Justice Campaign, but my apology has been rejected. I’ve even had death threats on Twitter. What do I do?

Alan D, Essex

Mike says: Everyone gets death threats on Twitter at some point, Alan. It’s what Britain does these days in lieu of a manufacturing industry. If your donation has been rejected, there’s not a great deal you can do, other than try not to make the situation any worse. Don’t, under any circumstances, tweet a picture of a stereotypical Scouser. And don’t go anywhere near Boris Johnson. Actually, that’s good advice generally.

Dear Mike,

I have just received a decent pay-off after leaving a highly-paid job, and I want to invest the money wisely. What do you suggest?

Damien C, Liverpool

Mike says: I suggest that whatever you end up spending the money on, you keep the receipt this time.

Dear Mike,

I am a respected football pundit. The problem I have is this: A friend of mine manages a Premier League team who haven’t had the best run of results. I don’t want to fall out with my friend by being over-critical, but at the same time, I don’t want to jeopardise my credibility. Any thoughts?

Alan H, Southport

Mike says: Whenever I find myself in a quandary, Alan, I like to call my close personal friend Natalie Imbruglia and ask her to sing her 1997 hit Torn down the phone to me. I call Natalie a lot. I find it really helps with my decision-making. Sometimes, she gets a little annoyed, such as when I ring her at 1.30am and tell her I can’t decide whether to have a toasted bagel or a bowl of Frosties before I go to bed. But even so, she always sings when I ask her to, in that sweet little Antipodean voice of hers. She will, occasionally, ask if she can sing something else. But I never let her. Sorry, what was the question again? Oh yes… er… try telling your friend to win a few more matches.

Last on MOTD: Blackburn 2 Liverpool 3
Commentator: Alistair Mann

Dear Mike,

I keep having this weird dream that I’m captaining a ship, which is slowly sinking. Everyone seems to think it’s my fault. What could it possibly mean?

Steve K, Blackburn

Mike says: Well, it’s obvious. You’ve been to the cinema to watch Titanic in 3D, haven’t you?

Dear Mike,

I have a big cup tie against the neighbours this weekend, and I really don’t want to lose it. But the problem is, I’m running out of goalkeepers. Every time I turn my back, one seems to get sent off. I’m not saying there’s a referees’ conspiracy against us, though. I’m definitely not saying that. Or even thinking it. We can’t afford to believe that.

Kenny D, Anfield

Mike says: Kenny, Kenny, Kenny – there’s really no need to panic. I know Pepe Reina and Doni are both suspended, but if anything happens to Brad Jones, I have the perfect solution. Stick Luis Suarez in goal. Do you not remember that outstanding last-minute tip over for Uruguay against Ghana in the quarter-finals at the last World Cup? Save of the tournament, it was. Anyway, it’s either use him or bring Bruce Grobbelaar out of retirement.

Dear Mike,

Please stop phoning me.

Natalie I, Berkshire

Mike says: But I like phoning you, Natalie. Oh, you’ve left me in a bit of a quandary now…

Gubbometer 2011/12

1. Fulham: 8 (2L: 3, 3L: 3)
2. Aston Villa: 7 (2L: 4, 3L: 4)
3. Norwich: 6 (2L: 3, 3L: 4)
4. Stoke: 6 (2L: 2, 3L: 8)
5. Wigan: 5 (2L: 8, 3L: 5)
6. Sunderland: 5 (2L: 7, 3L: 0)
7. West Brom: 5 (2L: 5, 3L: 4)
8. Swansea: 4 (2L: 7, 3L: 5)
9. QPR: 4 (2L: 3, 3L: 3)
10. Blackburn: 4 (2L: 2, 3L: 5)
11: Liverpool: 4 (2L: 2, 3L: 4)
12. Tottenham: 4 (2L: 2, 3L: 1)
13: Wolves: 3 (2L: 3, 3L: 7)
14. Chelsea: 3 (2L: 0, 3L: 6)
15. Newcastle: 2 (2L: 1, 3L: 0)
16. Everton: 1 (2L: 10, 3L: 4)
17. Bolton: 1 (2L: 4, 3L: 6)
18. Arsenal: 0 (2L: 4, 3L: 1)
19. Manchester United: 0 (2L: 1, 3L: 0)
20. Manchester City: 0 (2L: 0, 3L: 1)

2L = On second last (Wolves 0 Arsenal 3)
3L = On third last (QPR 3 Swansea 0)

(Teams receive one point every time they are last on Match of the Day. Teams level are separated by the number of times they are on second last, then by the number of times they are on third last. MOTD2 not included.)

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