CRISTIANO Ronaldo, who hasn’t scored for Portugal in 16 months, has promised that goals will soon start to emerge “like ketchup from a bottle”.
But it’s still not happening, even though he did hit the post against Ivory Coast in Port Elizabeth this afternoon. (It’s a game for the World Cup Gubbometer, I’m afraid.)
Ronaldo didn’t score any goals during Portugal’s qualifying campaign. Indeed, they very nearly didn’t qualify at all, only making it to South Africa via a play-off against Bosnia-Herzegovina.
Portugal need him to produce something soon. So an important scientific question is raised: Just how do you get the international goals out of Ronaldo? Here are some of your suggestions.
Try turning Ronaldo upside down and tapping the base of his feet very gently. The goals will then start to flow. As the old poem goes: “Tap Ronaldo like a bottle/No goals will come, then a lot’ll.”
Nigel Newby, Newport
Shake Ronaldo vigorously. Make sure, though, that he is wearing some sort of cap or hairnet, or his hair will be ruined.
Steve Singh, Swindon
Try to poke the goals out of him using some sort of stick. It always worked for me.
Michael Mild, Manchester
Next week’s question: How do you make the 2010 World Cup vaguely exciting?
World Cup Gubbometer
1=. Algeria: 1
1=. Cameroon: 1
1=. France: 1
1=. Ivory Coast: 1
1=. Japan: 1
1=. Portugal: 1
1=. Slovakia: 1
1=. Uruguay: 1
9=. Everybody else: 0
(NB. Teams are awarded one point every time they take part in a game so mind-numbingly tedious that it would almost certainly have been last on Match of the Day had it been a Premier League fixture. Teams level on points will be separated by the Capello Index – the number of points divided by the number of games played. I added that rule just now.)