Last on MOTD: Dear Avram

Dear Avram,

I hope that you might be able to help me. There’s a boy in my class at school I really like, and I’m not sure what to do about it.
I think he likes me too, but he hasn’t asked me out. I’m wondering if he’s a bit shy, and I’ve even thought about asking him out. But I’m worried he might laugh at me and tell his friends, and some of them are really mean.
What do you think I should do?


PS. His name’s Will, if that helps.

Avram writes: Ha! You think you have problems, Emily? You know nothing. Every morning, I wake up wondering what on earth is going to happen to me.
First, my football team loses lots of matches. Then I find the club has debts that would scare off Ocean Finance. Then I find my superiors are trying to sell my players behind my back outside the transfer window.
I would be delighted if having a few stupid boys laughing at me was the biggest of my problems. Emily, you are welcome to try managing Portsmouth any time you like. But you should not leave it too long.

Dear Avram,

I’m having terrible trouble with noisy neighbours. Every time I try to relax with a nice glass of wine and a bit of Simply Red, I hear this dreadful din from over the fence.
It happens at all hours too. I’ve tried ignoring them, I’ve tried asking them to stop, I’ve even tried a few mind games to freak them out, but it’s no use. What’s your suggestion?


PS. What’s the best way of managing a large debt?

Avram writes: Alex, you do not realise how fortunate you are. You have your beautiful house, you have your finest wines, you have access to the music of Mick Hucknall any time you like.
Noisy neighbours? Noisy neighbours are nothing. Have you ever worked for a man who sacks you even after you have got his team to a Champions League final? Do you wake up in the morning and wonder if you will have a job next week?
And do not ask me about large debts. I have had it up to here with large debts.

Dear Avram,

I have been married to a wonderful woman for almost four years. But now she has moved out of our home and is living in a hotel.
It’s hard for me to explain what happened, but some photos of me ended up on another woman’s phone somehow, and my wife has jumped to all sorts of conclusions.
What should I do? Should I try to patch things up? Or should I accept our marriage is over?


Avram writes: Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, will you please get it into your head that I do not give a flying fish finger about your marital problems.
Have you ever tried being part of a team at the bottom of the Premier League, with no hope of surviving relegation and a very real possibility that there will not be a club in even two weeks’ time?
No, you haven’t. It’s all success, success, success with you. I watched Match of the Day last night, and saw you had even won the January Goal Of The Month competition for scoring against Sunderland.
You want to know when I last won the Goal Of The Month competition? Never. Not even in the days when they used to put that Lightning Seeds song over the top and have Gerald Sinstadt dubbing commentaries on to all of the goals. And at least you don’t appear last on MOTD all the time. So count your blessings.

Last night’s final match: Portsmouth 1 Stoke 2
Commentator: Roger Johnson

Dear Avram,

I have supported Portsmouth all my life and I have never felt as much despair as I do now.
We just seem to lurch from crisis to crisis, and have become a laughing stock. And all through this I just keep asking: Where has all the money gone?
I attended the match against Stoke this weekend wondering if it was to be our last game. It would have been nice to get a win, but that Salif Diao scored his first goal for about 800 years to beat us.
I just need cheering up. Can you recommend anything?

Pompey fan

Avram writes: Yes, I asked my poet friend Andrew to write something to cheer you up. He promised he would write the most cheerful poem he could come up with. He sent it to me this afternoon, and here it is.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Portsmouth are buggered
And so are you. 


1. Blackburn: 6 (GD: 1. 2L: 3.)
2. Portsmouth: 6 (GD: 1. 2L: 0.)
3. Stoke: 6 (GD: 0. 2L: 2.)
4. West Ham: 5 (GD: 1. 2L: 2.)
5. Everton: 5 (GD: 1. 2L: 0.)
6. Hull: 4 (GD: 0. 2L: 6.)
7. Wigan: 4 (GD: 0. 2L: 3.)
8. Bolton: 3 (GD: 0. 2L: 6.)
9. Fulham: 3 (GD: 0. 2L: 5.)
10. Aston Villa: 3 (GD: 0. 2L: 0.)
11. Gubba: 2 (GD: 2. 2L: 3.)
12. Burnley: 2 (GD: 0. 2L: 6.)
13. Wolves: 2 (GD: 0. 2L: 5.)
14. Tottenham: 2 (GD: 0. 2L: 2.)
15. Birmingham: 1 (GD: 0. 2L: 5.)
16. Arsenal: 1 (GD: 0. 2L: 1.)
17. Liverpool: 1 (GD: 0. 2L: 0.)
18. Sunderland: 0 (GD: 0. 2L: 6.)
19=. Chelsea: 0 (GD: 0. 2L: 1.)
19=. Manchester United: 0 (GD: 0. 2L: 1.)
21. Manchester City: 0 (GD: 0. 2L: 0.)

GD = Gubba difference
2L = On second last (Last night’s penultimate match was: West Ham 3 Hull 0.)

(NB. Teams will receive one point for every time they appear last on MOTD. Appearances on MOTD2 are not included. Teams level on points will be separated by Gubba difference – the number of times a team is on last with Tony Gubba commentating. Teams still level will then be separated by the number of times they appear second last on MOTD.)


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