Ronaldo goes Deirdre Barlow

NEWS just in: Cristiano Ronaldo’s pet guinea pig has pleaded with him to stay at Manchester United.

Jesper the guinea pig was seen in his hutch in the back garden of Ronaldo’s luxury Cheshire home with a United hat balanced between his ears.

The guinea pig said: “Squeak. Squeak, squeak squeak. Squeeeeeeeak. Squeak, squeak.”

However, the drama surrounding Ronaldo’s future took another twist tonight, when his pet tortoise Norbert suggested that he should join Real Madrid.

Norbert could clearly be seen wandering around the garden of Ronaldo’s luxury Cheshire home carrying an embroidered Real badge atop his shell.

The tortoise told a Brazilian website: ”                                                         .                    .                      !”

As any soap opera scriptwriter will tell you, there’s a fine line between giving a plot time and space to reach its full potential and stretching it beyond breaking point. There have been times over the last few days when the Cristiano Ronaldo-Manchester United-Real Madrid love triangle has teetered precariously on the brink of self-parody. But even so, as soap plots go, this one is right up there with the best of them.

It is, in fact, possibly the finest love triangle storyline since Deirdre Barlow was fretting about whether to stay with Ken or run off with Mike Baldwin in Coronation Street exactly 25 years ago.

Ronaldo is Deirdre, wanted by two suitors and unsure which way to jump. Manchester United are Ken; traditional, northern, always among the big names and never far from the centre of attention (although a bit boring in the late 1970s). Real Madrid are Mike; a bit of exotic glamour (running a knicker factory is quite exotic for Weatherfield), flamboyant, a big spender.

Deirdre’s affair with Mike began when she was left alone in the Rovers after Ken’s Volkswagen Beetle had broken down on the moors outside Huddersfield. I would like to think that Ronaldo’s dalliance with Real Madrid began in the same way, but I know for a fact that Sir Alex Ferguson doesn’t drive a Beetle.

The nation was captivated through the spring of 1983 as Deirdre oscillated between Ken and Mike (quite a gymnastic feat, I’m sure you’ll agree). The storyline culminated with a big doorstep row between the three of them – which seems to be pretty much where the Ronaldo menage a trois is heading.

Similarly, the nation is captivated in 2008 as Ronaldo dons his Deirdre spectacles and leaves us all hanging on for his decision.

In the end, of course, Deirdre opted to stay with Ken. On that basis, I expect Ronaldo to stay with United.

But be warned, Cristiano; loyalty does not last forever in soap land, nor in football. You may be lauded by United’s fans now if you stay put. But one day, your Ken will find his Wendy Crozier – and then all hell will break loose.

With thanks to


One Response to Ronaldo goes Deirdre Barlow

  1. […] a feeling that my blog entry of June 9, when I drew a comparison between Ronaldo and Deirdre Barlow, may have been in the […]

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